Zuzi sent me a picture of her baby. Frankly I can't see anything. It looked a little like an abstract piece of art to me. Oh my god, how does something so abstract looking be a human? When my grandma passed away about two years ago, my dad told me not to feel that because grandma's cycle of life has been completed. She has continue to live on in all of us.. It makes me so sad yet it's so true.

I have been terrible at blogging. I have been part busy, part lazy and part troubled.. I confirmed the date of my surgery two days ago and I am set to go in to remove my thyroid glands on the 6th of June. On one hand I can't wait to get over it and on the other, I am a little paranoid about having cut up and stitched back.

Gerard and Peggy

Everybody wants a Sophie kinda of handshake. It's a hard job being popular

Group photo. One for memory sake

The hot ladies I work with

I secretly believe that my mother has obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't know anyone who checks 5 times prior to going to bed just to ensure the front door is locked. You know that song we used to sing in kindergarten about looking right and left and right again before you cross the road? Well my mother does that in multiples every time she crosses the road.

I'd to believe that all babies are born clean, innocent and unburdened by all the miseries of the world - well until our parents fucked us up with their issues. If we take a look at the criminal profiling of ALL serial killers ever recorded in history - Ted Bundy, BTK, Charles Manson - they all share one thing in common. Fucked up parents.. Can you believe it? Till he was about a teenager, Ted Bundy thought his grandmother was his biological mother and his sister was actually his real mum!

In the last 48 hours, two people have told me that they are parents in waiting. First, my lovely friend Zuzi told me yesterday morning that she is three months along and she will be having the baby in HK. Congratulations Zuzi!! I am so happy for you and Mark and just this morning Juls told me he is going to be a first time dad.

Seriously because I am at the age whereby all my friends are either parents or have plans to be parent. For me, I think about if I ever became a mother, what values will I teach my children

To be honest; I have been having this argument with people about raising children. In a world like today, is there seriously a wholesome place where kids just focus on just being kids? Or by the time they are born, are they already thrown into this vicious societal cycle where merits are placed on how well they do in school, how good they are at sports, if they will marry well, or if they will be a successful investment banker with a lucrative career at Goldman? Does it sound cliche if I say, if I ever became a mum. I just my kids to enjoy whatever stage of life they are at, think independently and not worried about being part of the system.

If only there is some kind of scanning system in place to check if people are suitable candidates to be parents, I am sure this will eliminate half the fucked ups in the world. The world would definitely be prettier and there would be more Sumatran tigers left in the wild. That would be really nice.

A few days ago, it was Easter and I don't know why but during every single public holiday, Discovery Bay ( where I live) is just infested with uncivilised people. I thought it's pretty well known in HK that DB stands for Dogs and Babies. I was queuing up to draw out some cash and this mother was pointing at Sophie and telling her son, " Be careful of the big dog, if you are naughty, the dog will bite you"

A sudden flash of anger and insanity ( Yes, I have a fucking crazy gene embedded in my system) came over me and I said to her, " Stupid woman, it is parents like you who fucked children up". I do feel a bit bad for saying it in front of her kid but look at my Sophie. She is so docile and tell me, does she look like a killer dog to you? I don't think so.. It's a real fucked up world.

This is the current window display at Joyce. I love it so much because it sort of encapsulates my goal for this year. At the start of 2009, I want to do everything and I want to pack as much as possible in a day's time. Four months down the road, I am wondering if I had taken too big of a bite in terms of keeping myself busy. I was thinking a few nights ago on the way back to Discovery Bay - have I committed myself too much over the next few months?

Here are the list of things I have to do from now till June

1.) DragonBoating - Last Sunday after practice, my back was as sore as fuck. I have been rowing for five weeks on my right side and for the first time I rowed on the left side. Whilst I was at it, it wasn't too bad but that night but it totally killed me on Monday morning. Rudi had said to me, I don't think team sports is your thing because you don't like to do things in groups. I am discovering a side of myself that I haven't seen before. In a way he is right. In a way, I want to give it a go. I puked last week on the boat and seriously I felt bad for days because I felt that I let my team mates down. Team sports is a very unfamiliar concept to me because it's 18 people working towards a goal and plus what they always say - a chain is only as strong as the weakest link and sometimes I do feel like the weakest link - my stride isn't the longest, my speed isn't the fastest and I am fucking incoherent at times but I want to try as hard as I can. I really hope that on race day - this 28th of May. I can look back with on this and say, it's all worth it. Pray!!!

2.) Furniture hunting -one month into the renovation. I really really love buying furniture. I finally feel like a fucking adult to be not buying crap from Ikea. I am investing in actual quality furniture that I hope to someday pass to my children as heirlooms. Haha! Right now with bad times, it's really a buyers' market and I am tough negotiator. I got this freaking awesome lights at 60%. I love it but again time consuming.

3.) Moving back in. After the hassle of shoving everything in the boxes, it's time to unpack them again - Timeline - Mid May. Moving is back breaking and slimming! For those who want to shed off some extra pounds, I won't mind a volunteer or two. I will give you a complimentary stretch session after the big move :)

4.) Beijing - I need to go to Beijing for work. I love Beijing so I am definitely looking forward to it. Can't wait to catch up with my friends there as well. And I so want to visit the Forbidden City again because the last time I went last year, a lot of areas were still being restored.

5.) I have been taking medication to treat hyperthyrodism for about two years now, I don't like to talk about it because I don't like to be treated differently. A few months ago, my doctor said the medication hasn't been working very well on me and my condition is a bit too evasive for regular treatment. I have to remove 80% of my thyroid glands. Fuck, fuck, fuck... I am absolutely paranoid about cutting, slicing, blood inducing procedures but what to, you just have to deal with it. Timeline - early June.

On the flipside - after my surgery, I have to take about 3 weeks to a month off depending on my recovery speed. I can really do up the house.

In my line of work, more often than not, I am required to talk to people I don't know.And I am pretty good at it because I bullshit loads. I am a serious A Grade Bullshitter. I called my mum yesterday because, I was feeling kind of guilty as I have not spoken to her in a month.

The conversation lasted 1 min 37 seconds. Have you ever wondered why it's so difficult to talk to people who mean the most to you? I asked her, " Is everything okie?" three fucking times and after the second time, I felt like a broken record. After the conversation, I was feeling absolutely gutted because a realisation tanked on me. My mum is 59 years old this year and I just realised that I was hardly around during the most of my adult life.

I have to try harder to incorporate her in my life but I don't know where to start. The thing is, I know she loves me loads and I have acknowledged that she might not have the best ways of doing so. In a way, I am sick of complaining and since I have an action plan for most things, I am more than ready to adopt a new method of communication.

Instead of leaving it to her to tell me things. I am going to start by telling her things about myself. I am going to tell her stories about the people in my life, the situations I encounter, shit that bother me. I am not going to edit anything and I will leave it to her to judge whether she could digest some things that are not easy for parents to know about their childhood. I don't know sometimes I feel that I need to shelter my inner feelings from my mother because I don't want her to worry about me. I don't know but something tells me my mother is stronger than I give her credit for. Well, we have to start from somewhere don't we. I hate having to think; what if she dies, I do not want to wait till it is too late to regret.

For starters, I am going to chat with her once a week and if things ever get too difficult, I'd pass the phone to Rudi.

Lately, I have been feeling down. I can't seem to find the root-cause to my numerous dissatisfactions so I am going to change the way I feel by changing the way I think. I want to constantly remind myself that, I have things to be grateful for and it starts with

1.) Rudi. It's true we can't choose our family; the ones that related to us by blood but finding our other halves give us the chance to start a family with the people we actually like. I am not going to start with the in-laws.

2.) The relationships I have with my brothers. When I was younger, I used to fight loads with my brothers especially William. We even fist fight until he started towering over me at 5'11. Now if I fist fight with him, I am gravely inviting death. We chat so much on MSN these days and it gives me a wonderful insight to how he really is and we even share things about the family, like secrets that only family members should know. That really keeps my sanity intact because trust me, we have a lot of family politics. Looking back at our childhood, I am really glad that all of us turned out ok. We do have a fair amount of fuck-ups in the family. Kinda nice knowing we didn't contribute to that statistic.

3.) My health - I am so happy to say that physical challenges no longer scare me. Less than 2 years ago, I was in a state whereby I was really embarrassed because even if I walk up a short flight of stairs, I'd go huffing and puffing. But now, I can run an hour without stopping for a brisk walk. It feels nice to be comfortable in my own skin.

4.) I have a job. Where I was in Mongkok the other day, I was walking along Nathan Road and I saw at least four people picking leftovers from thrash cans. Growing older might make me feel less sensitive towards a lot of things but one thing I still hate seeing are homeless people. I thought of the time when I was three, I went to the temple with my Popo and I saw a beggar and I asked Popo to lend me a dollar so that I can give it to him. That part of me never changed. It is just really sad to see that as this recession prolongs, many people especially those who do manual labor are going to find themselves more susceptible to losing their livelihood. Working is not just about the money, working is dignity and dignity is the fundamental human right.

5.) I have great friends. I can't think of a reason of living better than sharing it with the people who love me unconditionally. Can you imagine, you love your family because you have no choice but to. But when it comes to your friends. It takes a lot to love someone who is entirely unrelated to you.

6.) My self-awareness. The nicest complement anyone has ever given me was that," I am blessed. I asked him why and he said, You are blessed because not only you are intelligent but you have a high degree of self awareness. Thank you Taffy. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me.

7.) Sophie. I know it's a dog but she is family. It's nice to have someone/ something you love so much because we all question what we live for on some days.

8.) I have nothing else to prove. When I was younger, I felt a pressing need to prove something. I need to prove to the world my abilities, demonstrate my strengths and a lot of it were just ego talk. Right now, I am just living at my own pace and I stopped caring about how many people I am pleasing.

9.) In the last 30 years, I have never known hunger, I have never known desperation and destitution, I have never been harmed; physically or emotionally. I have never been robbed, the innocence of childhood, never been deprived from privileges and never been abused nor used. If those are not good reasons to be happy - I would be one fucking ungrateful bitch.