In my line of work, more often than not, I am required to talk to people I don't know.And I am pretty good at it because I bullshit loads. I am a serious A Grade Bullshitter. I called my mum yesterday because, I was feeling kind of guilty as I have not spoken to her in a month.

The conversation lasted 1 min 37 seconds. Have you ever wondered why it's so difficult to talk to people who mean the most to you? I asked her, " Is everything okie?" three fucking times and after the second time, I felt like a broken record. After the conversation, I was feeling absolutely gutted because a realisation tanked on me. My mum is 59 years old this year and I just realised that I was hardly around during the most of my adult life.

I have to try harder to incorporate her in my life but I don't know where to start. The thing is, I know she loves me loads and I have acknowledged that she might not have the best ways of doing so. In a way, I am sick of complaining and since I have an action plan for most things, I am more than ready to adopt a new method of communication.

Instead of leaving it to her to tell me things. I am going to start by telling her things about myself. I am going to tell her stories about the people in my life, the situations I encounter, shit that bother me. I am not going to edit anything and I will leave it to her to judge whether she could digest some things that are not easy for parents to know about their childhood. I don't know sometimes I feel that I need to shelter my inner feelings from my mother because I don't want her to worry about me. I don't know but something tells me my mother is stronger than I give her credit for. Well, we have to start from somewhere don't we. I hate having to think; what if she dies, I do not want to wait till it is too late to regret.

For starters, I am going to chat with her once a week and if things ever get too difficult, I'd pass the phone to Rudi.

Lately, I have been feeling down. I can't seem to find the root-cause to my numerous dissatisfactions so I am going to change the way I feel by changing the way I think. I want to constantly remind myself that, I have things to be grateful for and it starts with

1.) Rudi. It's true we can't choose our family; the ones that related to us by blood but finding our other halves give us the chance to start a family with the people we actually like. I am not going to start with the in-laws.

2.) The relationships I have with my brothers. When I was younger, I used to fight loads with my brothers especially William. We even fist fight until he started towering over me at 5'11. Now if I fist fight with him, I am gravely inviting death. We chat so much on MSN these days and it gives me a wonderful insight to how he really is and we even share things about the family, like secrets that only family members should know. That really keeps my sanity intact because trust me, we have a lot of family politics. Looking back at our childhood, I am really glad that all of us turned out ok. We do have a fair amount of fuck-ups in the family. Kinda nice knowing we didn't contribute to that statistic.

3.) My health - I am so happy to say that physical challenges no longer scare me. Less than 2 years ago, I was in a state whereby I was really embarrassed because even if I walk up a short flight of stairs, I'd go huffing and puffing. But now, I can run an hour without stopping for a brisk walk. It feels nice to be comfortable in my own skin.

4.) I have a job. Where I was in Mongkok the other day, I was walking along Nathan Road and I saw at least four people picking leftovers from thrash cans. Growing older might make me feel less sensitive towards a lot of things but one thing I still hate seeing are homeless people. I thought of the time when I was three, I went to the temple with my Popo and I saw a beggar and I asked Popo to lend me a dollar so that I can give it to him. That part of me never changed. It is just really sad to see that as this recession prolongs, many people especially those who do manual labor are going to find themselves more susceptible to losing their livelihood. Working is not just about the money, working is dignity and dignity is the fundamental human right.

5.) I have great friends. I can't think of a reason of living better than sharing it with the people who love me unconditionally. Can you imagine, you love your family because you have no choice but to. But when it comes to your friends. It takes a lot to love someone who is entirely unrelated to you.

6.) My self-awareness. The nicest complement anyone has ever given me was that," I am blessed. I asked him why and he said, You are blessed because not only you are intelligent but you have a high degree of self awareness. Thank you Taffy. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me.

7.) Sophie. I know it's a dog but she is family. It's nice to have someone/ something you love so much because we all question what we live for on some days.

8.) I have nothing else to prove. When I was younger, I felt a pressing need to prove something. I need to prove to the world my abilities, demonstrate my strengths and a lot of it were just ego talk. Right now, I am just living at my own pace and I stopped caring about how many people I am pleasing.

9.) In the last 30 years, I have never known hunger, I have never known desperation and destitution, I have never been harmed; physically or emotionally. I have never been robbed, the innocence of childhood, never been deprived from privileges and never been abused nor used. If those are not good reasons to be happy - I would be one fucking ungrateful bitch.